Ava stared, unblinking, at the clock on the nightstand. As she watched, the relentless red numbers changed to 1:59 AM; it was the only light in the room. The only sound was her fiancée beside her, quietly snoring. Two hours ago she had heard the faint clicking noises that he unwittingly made with his teeth when he drifted to sleep. It had only lasted only as long as one of her breaths, but then she just listened to him breathing for two hours. He was fast asleep now and still she didn’t want to move for fear of waking him – but that was just it – she wanted to move; to get out of their bed and go somewhere, anywhere. She felt trapped, somehow, in a time and place she didn’t recall looking for. Trapped because she was suddenly getting married to another human being, but couldn’t think of when she had first heard those little clicking noises that meant he was falling asleep. She couldn’t think of how she knew those noises meant he was falling asleep.
She squeezed her eyes shut tight and saw 1:59 burned into her vision. Steadily, she drew the sheet off of her legs and slid off the mattress, sitting upright. She stood up so slowly it made her muscles ache, but then she was out of bed, and more importantly he was still asleep. She crept gently across the carpet and out into the shadowy hallway. As she walked towards the front door, the pictures on the wall seemed to lean towards her. Their vacation together loomed over her in the dark and the silence and her own smiling face leered down at her from the photos. The floor creaked slightly as she padded faster down the hall. She picked her car keys up out of the dish on the dining room table and slipped her boots and coat over her pajamas. Without looking back at the house, she unlocked the door and stepped out into the cautious night air.
She pushed her car out of the driveway like she had done when she snuck out of her house as a teenager, and then started it on the road and drove towards the highway. The red numbers glared at her from her dashboard; 2:09 AM. She focused on the road in front of her and tried not to think of him sleeping in their bed alone.
As she made the turn to get onto the highway, Ava realized she was driving to her parents’ house out of instinct. She pulled over. She didn’t know what she was doing. Her engine light was on. She had meant to check that. He had said he would look at it for her but he hadn’t gotten around to it. She flipped on her turn signal, pulled her care into a U-turn, and headed back in the direction of their house, but then swerved onto a different street and drove out of the city. Her eyes started to tear up. She drove for a long time. She drove until she didn’t know where she was, and still she didn’t know what she was doing. She didn’t even know what she was feeling. She kept driving until she was so tired the red numbers were blurry and the steering wheel was hot underneath her knuckles. She pressed her eyes closed and two tears fell off of her cheeks.
The whole situation seemed stupid to her, but Ava couldn’t go home yet, or she knew she would just feel trapped again, and maybe for the rest of her life. She spotted a motel sign and gradually pulled into an empty parking lot in front of a little office. The tired man at the counter checked her into a second floor room above where she had parked. The single bed was comfortable. She curled up with her hands between her knees and right before she closed her eyes the clock beside the bed shone red numbers at her; 5:48.
Ava opened her heavy eyes to slanted rays of sunlight streaming through thin motel curtains. She stayed unmoving for several minutes. Still, she didn’t know what she was doing. She missed him, but she was scared because she really loved him. They had bought a house together. They had been on vacations together and spent Christmas together every year for the past four years, but still she was able to get out of bed and leave him sleeping alone. She thought how easy it was. He could do the exact same thing to her and just disappear.
She had felt trapped because she knew he held her in the palm of his hand, and it would be easy to let her go. If he did leave there would be no more smiles from the memories they hung on the wall, or Christmases with his family, or offers to do things for her that she could do on her own, but he was just offering because he knew she didn’t want to do them and he didn’t mind doing it if it made her happy. There would be no more little clicks to signal he was asleep, however she had known that was what it meant.
It was 7:00 AM, which meant he would be waking up for work. She flung the blanket back, grabbed her car keys and room key from the nightstand, slipped on her boots, and walked outside. She returned the room key to the man at the front desk and got into her car. For a while she just sat there in the cold, watching her breath in front of her and wondering what she was going to do. Right now, she had the ability to leave him; to jump the gun before he had the chance to hurt her. She asked herself what was stopping her. This would be the easiest time to disappear. Ava slid her key in the ignition and started the engine anyway. Only, the engine didn’t start. She tried to start it again, but the engine light had caught up to her. Her car was dead. She slumped down in the seat. She would have to call somebody for a ride. She got out of her car and locked it as she walked back to the front desk.
“Hello again,” she said to the man at the desk, “may I use your phone to call someone? My car isn’t starting -” she gestured towards the offending hunk of metal and explained, “engine trouble.” The man smiled and nodded, handing her a cordless landline. As she went to push the numbers, she suddenly realized she was going to call her fiancée. It was a reflex to put in his number, because he was the only person she wanted to come get her. The only person she felt she could call, or even wanted to call – and indeed the person she had automatically thought she’d call, was him. Of course she could call him. He would come and give her a ride home, and then call a tow truck for her because she was feeling overwhelmed and didn’t want to explain her situation to a tow truck driver. And she knew he wouldn’t even ask her why she was stranded at a cheap motel hours away from their house unless she offered to talk about it. She dialed their home phone. He picked up immediately.
“Ava, thank God you called, I’ve been trying to reach you all morning! I’m so sorry I’m yelling baby I’ve just been worried, where have you been?” When she hesitated, he continued, “Okay, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, I’m just happy you called, where are you? Are you alright?”
“My car died. Can you pick me up from the motel beside the highway?”
“Babe, that’s like a three hour drive from here, wh -” He stopped himself. For a split second she doubted he would come for her, but then he said, “I’ll just call in sick today. I’ll take the whole day off. We can spend the day together, then, if you’re up for it, okay? I want to. We can make your favourite pizza, there’s one in the freezer.”
Of course he’s coming, she told herself, and of course he knows your favourite pizza and of course he bought one and of course he knows it’s in the freezer.
“That sounds amazing,” she said, smiling, “thank you so much.”
“Not a problem, I’m on my way.” She could hear the smile in his voice over the phone.
“Baby?” She asked.
“Yeah?”
“I love you,” she said, “so, so much.” She was excited to see him, and for their day together – and finally Ava knew exactly what she was doing. She was marrying him because she loved him, and she was letting him have the ability to hurt her because she loved him, and that was enough to make her feel free instead of trapped. That was enough to make her happy forever, to make her wonder about the clicks forever because she wanted to, and because it didn’t matter why she knew they meant he was falling asleep so long as he fell asleep next to her.